@dance_blessed: Eat 70,000 small meals each day to keep your metabolism going strong.
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@Brianhopecomedy: *Puts on muscle shirt* *Looks in mirror* Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Let's go outside. 3-year-old: No! The deer will eat me. Wife: Deer don't eat people 3: The zombie ones do Wife: Get your dad. Now.
@imence2: Some people have no respect. It's obvious I'm on my phone trying to do something & this guys all "STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!"
@Roweboat13G: Some days you're the Titanic, some days you're the iceberg and some days you're that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.