Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
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[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.