“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
You Might Also Like
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
need a new bf mines broken 😐
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
hmmm
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie