Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
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Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
That’s what I call a flat tire
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.