@markleggett: Eat for free at any restaurant by disguising yourself as a trash can.
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@Try2StopME: Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
@d_duhwit: Wife*outside bathroom door*:"I can hear ur keyboard clicking away. U tweeting in there?" Me*pauses knitting*:"Uh, Ya"
@JJSummertime: If I had 3 wishes I'd spend them on my daughter. Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.