Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
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Meow
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
United Steaks of America
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜