“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
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A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
😂😂
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.