Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
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RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
mood
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.