@darrinfb: I just found a halloween candy on my lawn and ate it. So I guess I AM able to live off the land if I ever needed to.

@WilliamAder: Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.

@xoCAMILLAxo: I thought air was free until I bought a bag of Lay's Potato Chips!

@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks? ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card? INTERVIEWER: holy shit

@BackrowSeats: I'll sleep when I'm dead. I'll sleep tonight as well. There's also a pretty good chance I'll take a nap soon.