Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
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maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
I’m just playing devils avocado here