“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
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I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.