Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
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What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
I got bills
They’re multiplying
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.