“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
You Might Also Like
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Fiction has to make sense.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
“The Perfect Relationship”
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.