“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
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Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.