I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
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20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
こいつ天才
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time