@velvettusk: "Eat your dinner so that lamb didn't die for nothing" - will ensure you get your daughter's helping, too.
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@bourgeoisalien: I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream 'SURPRISE' directly in my cat's face
@HuggyOnline: Kids these days can't do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn't have Google. So, I pretty much couldn't do shit.
@AnOrangeSNES: "I just called to say I love you." -Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work