“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
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If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?