Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
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I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
August 8
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
is this meant to deter me
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–