@kimt205: Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
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@dshack8: My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
@SortaBad: I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
@DanMentos: LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors' noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
@TheTimmyToes: (business meeting) *drops pen on the floor* *bends over to pick it up* *shirt comes untucked* *all the jelly beans start falling out*