Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
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COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
*pronounces patio like ratio
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-