Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
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Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”