Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
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Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
You deplete me
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
#Thanos #MondayMood
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Rooting for the overdog
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop