Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
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just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Ah..makes sense now
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.