Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
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Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
ACED my prostate exam!
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
this is what they would have looked like, though
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.