My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
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Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
OKAY DAD
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet