A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
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Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators