Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
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I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
When I pack too much for a short trip.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Sticker placement is key.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,