[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
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“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be