[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
You Might Also Like
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
My dream job is getting paid to dream
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.