Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
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some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison