[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
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I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Ah..makes sense now
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer