[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
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I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Jurassic park gets weird
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.