I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
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On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart