Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
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I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
a public service announcement
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.