eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
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LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Straight people are cancelled
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.