@SaddestTiger: eating cereal in the shower isn't saving me as much time as i thought.
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@ehchino: How do I know you're not a cop? "If I was a cop, how would I have this?" *shows police badge that just says 'Not a Cop' on it* Oh, okay good
@kumailn: If someone's mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
@SweetTweetsBRO: I love when I'm walking closely behind a girl and she starts to speed walk away. It's like she knew I wanted to race all along.
@carlyken: My favorite part of football is when players "look to God." Because He's all, "I can't do shit for the Middle East but I'm rooting for YOU."