@SaddestTiger: eating cereal in the shower isn't saving me as much time as i thought.
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@iwearaonesie: coworker: Do you want a plate? me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
@RamblingMachine: If I had a dollar for every time I fell for a tweeter instead of a real person, I could pay for the psychiatric help I obviously need.
@ReeseButCallMeV: My niece said I look like a mom. So now we're playing a game, sorta like Hide-N-Seek, except I hide her and no one finds her. Ever.
@BillFienberg: I just saw an article titled "Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?" DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!