@QwertyJones3: [Sci fi movie] How did you travel such a distance so fast? "I went through a wormhole." Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

@IamEnidColeslaw: life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs

@MsSugar_Kisses: Listening to my coworker cry about her gag reflex not being able to swallow her allergy pills.. All I keep thinking is: Her poor boyfriend..

@VapingSonic: [meeting] Bill: we'll call it BILLOSOPHY Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

@Lowenaffchen: if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it