Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
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colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
This woman is my idol. Free her.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks