Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
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GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you鈥檝e come to the right place
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Chicago sounds lovely.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira鈥檚 hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don鈥檛 have to swear this one in
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
[Applebee鈥檚, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she鈥檚 more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
馃ぃ
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.