@trumpetcake: Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
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@Parkerlawyer: My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
@badbanana: Since they won't vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
@truegritrumble: ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME! UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right? ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.