@trumpetcake: Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
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@ramblinma: Husband: "How do the kids keep getting sick?" Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] "No idea."
@davidkenny100: Date: Are you ready to take on another man's child? Me: yes Later- Date: This is.. *I knock her kid out with one punch Me: too easy!
@AdamUrbane: This hammock is the most relaxing thing I've ever had slingshot me point blank into the ground.
@eedrk: [struts into party on stilts just as everyone starts talking about how they hate stilts. i try to turn around but careen over onto the cake]