Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
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[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse