Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
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*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
I have so many questions.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.