@StephenAtHome: Trump called Kim Jong Un a "smart cookie." That's crazy -- he reminds me more of a "murderous soft cheese."

@TheTalkingPipe: This beautiful woman is winking at me right now. Now she's using the other eye. Oh never mind. She's falling asleep.

@TravLeBlanc: Your mother has terrible taste in children.

@aldenskii: *in an interview* Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job. Applicant: 5-7PM po. Me: Applicant: 8PM. Me:

@shutupmikeginn: Girl on my bus has a therapy dog with a marked vest and I was like, "what kind of therapy is he in?" because of course I said that