@TheBigBatman: Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

@bourgeoisalien: I can't stop coughing. Think I'll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.

@capnmcfword: He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken. She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.

@WilliamAder: The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

@SkunkRiverNPS: Wilderness survival tip #32: To deter bears from attacking your tent, simply sprinkle your neighbor's campsite with bacon powder.