Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
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You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Not helping
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Time for evil
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now