Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
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I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
So that’s what we looked like?
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Dear Lord..
What is going on? 😅
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.