Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
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Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
cats when you pet them too long:
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.