@ThePawfessor: eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
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@joejwest: [creepy mansion] ME: That portrait is watching us MAN: No way ME: [goes right up to portrait] I'm vegan PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes] ME: I knew it
@zwina_summer: My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn't enough time.
@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Know why I stopped you? The dead guy in my trunk? Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift's over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?