@ThePawfessor: eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
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@flaskofwhiskeyy: My friend told me to let loose and be reckless today so I walked really fast with a bowl full of hot soup.
@lalastrailer: I spent the whole day cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean trying to find out where my son hides his weed.
@TheMichaelRock: Boss: Why did you call off yesterday? Me: You said I should do what's best for the company. Boss.... Me: I'll take that promotion now.
@mattZillaaaa: My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them