@ThePawfessor: eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
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@calluptome: Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we're in jail.
@Carbosly: Apparently, saying "make it a double" followed by an awkward wink doesn't work at the pharmacy.
@CourtneyBale: Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I'm gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
@the_tsai_guy: People who tie their sweaters around their necks look like they were giving somebody a piggyback ride before the person got Raptured.