Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
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This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
lol
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.