-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
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Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Mmmm canned fish.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.