The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
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Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
San Francisco has too many rules
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”