I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
You Might Also Like
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.