[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
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The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Saving my good tweets for marriage
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.