[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
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I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers