[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
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I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Monica just destroyed the internet
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
This chloroform smells expensiv…
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles