*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
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Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
My life coach traded me.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.