*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
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[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
When can I start eating bats again.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
beware of dog
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
These work great until they don’t.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer